Fact: everything you’ve heard about this, the notorious STAR WARS Christmas TV Special, is true. The program was an admitted attempt by George Lucas to maintain public awareness of STAR WARS and keep its merchandise selling, but the result was a downright horrendous excretion that was aired on CBS on November 17, 1978. Featured is most of the cast of STAR WARS, several “celebrity” guest stars and a lot of seventies-centric musical numbers. The show has never been released on home video in any format, remaining far and away the worst STAR WARS TV spin-off of the seventies and eighties (when it had some pretty stiff competition in the form of THE EWOK ADVENTURE and DROIDS).
Everyone involved has done their best to pretend like THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL never existed (Harrison Ford even tried to claim as much in 2006 when asked about it by Conan O’Brien), and/or made excuses for their work on it (“I was coked up” being the most popular). Unfortunately it does exist, and doesn’t appear to be going away, despite George Lucas’ claim that he’d like to “track down every bootlegged copy of that program and smash it.”
It begins with Han Solo and Chewbacca piloting the Millennium Falcon, in which (in special effects footage filched from STAR WARS) they’re forced to go into hyperspace to escape the empire’s clutches. Cut to a Wookie family, Chewbacca’s to be exact, grunting and growling at each other inside a gaudily decorated interior space (an interminable sequence that provides more-than ample evidence as to why Chewbacca’s origins were left out of the STAR WARS features). After viewing a holographic circus act with goofy-looking neon-draped performers the Wookies utilize a two way television monitor to contact Luke Skywalker (sporting a hideous seventies haircut) and ask what happened to Han Solo and Chewbacca. He doesn’t know.
It seems the Wookies are celebrating “Life Day,” which entails jacking into a virtual reality universe in which Diahann Carroll lounges amid kaleidoscopic backgrounds. The Wookies also get in touch via their fateful TV monitor with Princess Leia (still with those infamous side-buns she had in STAR WARS) to ask about Han and Chewie—who continue to fly around the galaxy, and eventually reach Chewbacca’s home planet. There Chewie’s family, and their human pal Art Carney, are arrested by emissaries of the empire.
Sandwiched into this section is a performance by Jefferson Starship and a short cartoon created by Canada’s Nelvana Studios. Done up in Nelvana’s inimitable exaggerated style, said cartoon features animated versions of STAR WARS’ principal characters trapped on a “water planet” where they’re menaced by vast Brontosaurus-like creatures. They’re rescued by the masked bounty hunter Boba Fett (in his first-ever appearance), who, we learn, is in the employ of none other than Darth Vader. Luckily R2-D2 manages to tune in to a video feed of Fett and Vader conspiring, and alerts Luke, Han and Leia to the fact.
Another interim segment takes place in the cantina set of STAR WARS, in which the bar denizens seen in the film—Greedo, Walrus Man, etc.—make appearances. Also featured is Bea Arthur as a bartender being aggressively courted by a goofy guy with a hole in the top of his head (Harvey Korman) and belting out a crappy lounge tune.
From there it’s back to the Wookie house, where Stormtroopers, in a wholly lackluster action sequence, are threatening Chewie’s family with guns. Luckily Han and Chewie turn up and dispatch the bad guys before they can do any lasting damage. The family ends up heading off to an otherworldly temple for a Life Day celebration attended by Luke, Han, Leia, R2-D2 and C3PO, where Leia sings a song to the tune of John Williams’ STAR WARS theme and it all comes to a merciful end.
This pic’s conceptual problems are many, obviously, but it’s the pacing that really makes it the never-ending slog it is. In direct contrast to STAR WARS, which was fast and efficient, this program is long and plodding, with one interminable sequence after another. Among the most painful bits are a cooking segment in which a four-armed guy on TV does an unfunny “comedy” routine, and another in which a malfunctioning robot (Harvey Korman again) explains how to fix a circuit breaker module (a dissertation that’s every bit as scintillating as it sounds).
The best parts are the vintage commercials, which include spots for ILGWU (or the International Ladies’ Garment Workers’ Union), Reggie candy (named after Reggie Jackson, who’s on hand to proclaim “Reggie, you taste pretty good!”), a remote controlled toy called Tobor (which the announcer is careful to inform us is “Robot spelled backwards”) and the Kenner STAR WARS toy line, which of course provided this beyond-awful program’s reason for being and so, appropriately enough, is the last and lengthiest commercial played here.
Vital Statistics
THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
Twentieth Century Fox Television
Director: Steve Binder
Producers: Ken Welch, Joe Layton, Mitzie Welch, Jeff Starsh
Screenplay: Rod Warren, Bruce Vilanch, Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Mitzie Welch
Cinematography: John B. Field
Editing: Vince Humphrey, Jerry Bixman
Cast: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels, James Earl Jones, Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, Harvey Corman, Mickey Morton, Paul Gale, Patty Maloney, Jack Rader