A digitally lensed no-budgeter that joins X,Y as an example of a worthwhile horror movie from the aughts that despite positive reception (it was singled out by HOUSE OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN’S Kier-la Janisse) never made it past the festival circuit. THE SECRET LIFE OF SARAH SHELDON (2006) was made by first (and only) time director Annette Kasche (assisted by Joseph Dodge, who’s credited as “Co-Director/Editor”), back when she was known as as Annette Ashlie Slomka, and it marked an attention-getting, if not necessarily “good,” debut.
The title character (played by Slomka) is a severely misanthropic aspiring scientist whose unethical practices have gotten her kicked out of medical school. Undaunted, she creates an experimental penis attachment designed to staunch “the unintelligent portion of the population that’s polluting our environment” by sterilizing those it penetrates. A young sex addict named Alex (Max Phyo) agrees to be the subject of the experiment, but the first woman he seduces dies; furthermore, he undergoes excruciating crotch pain, as it seems the attachment has a mind of its own. Sarah rids Alex of the appendage by castrating him, claiming it was the “only option” and offering to attach a new, specially made penis. The offending member, meanwhile, is placed in a jar.
Unfortunately it seems the appendage is sure to die if it’s not attached to a body. This is a problem that would appear to be solved when Sarah’s old flame Andrew (Joseph Merchant) turns up at her apartment. She views him as a suitable host body for the appendage, but he refuses, leaving the devastated Sarah with one last candidate: herself. This turns out to be a blessing, as making the penis attachment part of her body cures Sarah of her malaise and sets her on a new path, which begins with an act of revenge on a scumbag playboy (Pat Burns) who manhandled her. Needless to say, he’s in for a nasty surprise.
This is typical post-2000 digital fodder in many respects, from the low rent and often underlit (to the point of illegibility) photography to the amateurish performances, overly obvious dialogue, tacky electronic score that blatantly telegraphs every emotion and characters named after famous horror movie directors (such as a “Dr. Romero”). What’s not typical is the audacity and invention of the script. Obviously it takes a VERY audacious and inventive screenplay to overcome so many filmmaking deficiencies, but THE SECRET LIFE OF SARAH SHELDON (in common with films by Larry Cohen and Frank Henenlotter) was graced with just such a script, and so earns a qualified recommendation.
It also contains one authentically impressive element: the penis monster, a marvelous creation to which Slomka devotes many a close-up. Credit goes to monster EFX artists Matt Heffner and Michael Schachtner, who provide a Cronenbergian monstrosity that quite literally steals the film.
Vital Statistics
THE SECRET LIFE OF SARAH SHELDON
Fastigium Films/Dark Vision Pictures
Director/Producer/Screenplay: “Annette Ashlie Slomka” (Annette Kasche)
Cinematography: Igor Kamoevi
Editing: Joseph Dodge
Cast: Annette Ashley Slomka, Dana Fares, Max Phyo, Brenda Lamberty, Lainnie Felan, Patty McCollim, Pat Burns, Ignore Kamoevi, Rylan Williams, Joseph Merchant