The second, and last, TALES FROM THE CRYPT big screen spinoff. BORDELLO OF BLOOD followed director Ernest Dickerson’s slick and inspired DEMON KNIGHT (1995), which ended with the John Kassir voiced Crypt Keeper promising a second TALES FROM THE CRYPT feature to be called DEAD EASY. Scripted by A.L. Katz and Gilbert Adler, both veterans of the popular TALES FROM THE CRYPT HBO series, DEAD EASY was indeed slated to follow DEMON KNIGHT but got abruptly cancelled by Universal, with Katz and Adler informed that in its place they’d be making BORDELLO OF BLOOD, based on a 1970s screenplay written by Robert Zemeckis (one of TALES’ executive producers) and Bob Gale.
The resulting film, directed by Adler, was rushed into production with a lead actor—comedian Dennis Miller—that nobody will take responsibility for casting. To the surprise of absolutely no-one, BORDELLO OF BLOOD was a box-office flop, cutting short the planned TALES FROM THE CRYPT movie trilogy (with the third CRYPT film, 2002’s RITUAL, being a standalone indie that had Crypt Keeper segments added for its DVD release). The film did at least inspire the enormously entertaining HOW NOT TO MAKE A MOVIE podcast, in which Katz and Adler frankly discuss the (un)making of BORDELLO (with Miller and Sylvester Stallone, the then-boyfriend of co-star Angie Everhart, given a merciless raking over the coals).
It begins with the undead Crypt Keeper turning up to offer his standard macabre pun-filled introduction (“Well kiddies, looks like your pal the Crypt Keeper’s in for the fright of his life, um, I mean death”), together with William Sadler (a holdover from DEMON KNIGHT) as a mummy. Before that, though, we get a RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK inspired prologue set in Argentina, where the dwarf Prather (Phil Fondacaro) leads an expedition to the tomb of Lilith, “the most horrible woman the world has ever known.”
Cut to the punk teen Caleb (Corey Feldman) learning of a whorehouse contained in a funeral home. Upon arriving at the place he’s met by McCutcheon (Aubrey Morris), a deranged mortician who forces Caleb and a pal into a coffin headed, it appears, for cremation. It actually deposits them in an underground lair stocked with vampire babes, headed by the aforementioned Lilith (Angie Everhart) and Prather.
Several days later Caleb’s leggy sister Katherine (Erika Eleniak) attempts to file a police report about her brother’s disappearance, but doesn’t get much attention. The renegade PI Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller), an incurable smartass with a quip for every occasion, overhears her plea and decides to take the case. This leads him to the funeral home/bordello, where he figures out what’s happening and teams up with Katherine’s televangelist employer Reverend Current (Chris Sarandon) to obliterate the vamps with supersoakers.
As a gore fest this film doesn’t satisfy, and nor does it work as a comedy, as it’s never very funny (not even a third act Whoopi Goldberg cameo, which is evidently supposed to be a knee-slapper, inspires any yucks). There’s plenty of female nudity in the later scenes, which would be more exciting if they weren’t so reminiscent of the previous year’s vastly superior FROM DUSK TILL DAWN—although the use of Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz” on the soundtrack was an inspired touch, the song providing an unforgettable aural accompaniment to the sight of exploding hookers.
Rafe’s investigation, alas, never inspires much interest. The major problem is Dennis Miller, who offers up copious ad-libs delivered in a somnambulant murmur that betrays his complete disinterest in the project (in promoting the film Miller actually urged his fans not to see it). Faring slightly better are Angie Everhart and Chris Sarandon, both of whom go completely over the top in their roles, but do so with lots of enthusiasm.
Vital Statistics
BORDELLO OF BLOOD (TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS BORDELLO OF BLOOD)
Universal Pictures
Director/Producer: Gilbert Adler
Screenplay: Gilbert Adler, A.L. Katz, Bob Gale, Robert Zemeckis
Cinematography: Tom Priestley
Editing: Stephen Lovejoy
Cast: Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Aubrey Morris, Phil Fondacaro, Corey Feldman, Ciara Hunter, Leslie Ann Phillips, Juliet Reagh, Eli Gabay, Matt Hill, Eric Keenleyside, Kim Kondrashoff, Robert Munic, Gary Starr, Robin Douglas, Dorian “Joe” Clark, Ravinder Toor