By TODD STRASSER (The Trumpet Club; 1993)

My taste for ridiculous movie novelizations continues. 1993’s FREAKED, a human oddity themed comedy from writer/directors Alex Winter and Tom Stern, is one of the decade’s nuttier movies, and certainly one of the craziest ever released by a major Hollywood studio–Twentieth Century Fox to be exact, who were reportedly none too enthused about it. This novelization was even more poorly received than the movie, although it does its job adequately, which is to say that its primary virtue is the same as that of the movie: it’s funny.

As drafted by the prolific novelist Todd Strasser (who has a facility for ridiculous fiction, having also written the novelization of SUPER MARIO BROTHERS), FREAKED is a fast and efficient 88 page read. It never lingers very long in terms of description (whereas Strasser could definitely have stood to extend his detailing of the freakishness of his protagonists) or plot points, although the gags, as in the movie, come thick and fast.

For those who haven’t seen FREAKED, its brand of comedy makes most Zucker Brothers flicks seem stately and refined by comparison. Strasser does his best to capture the antic spirit of the movie in textual form, although much is missed (such as a climactic sight gag involving a guy sitting in front of a cactus, which Strasser doesn’t even attempt to describe).

The first person protagonist is Rick Coogan, a superstar actor who flies to South America to promote a deadly brand of biogenetic fertilizer called Zygrot 24 (he’s initially apprehensive about doing so but is persuaded after learning of the million dollar compensation), together with his best friend Ernie. They’re pursued by Stuey Gluck, an “ugly little troll” stalker who gets sucked out of the airplane, but somehow survives, and winds up in So Am with Rick and Ernie.

There they get lured to a freak show, together with Julie, a young woman on hand to “protest Zygrot 24 and pelt Ricky Coogan with cow dung.” All are transformed into “Freekz” by the mad scientist Elijah Skuggs, utilizing a “Tastee Freekz Machine” filled with Zygrot 24. They join Skuggs’ cadre of freaks, who include Ortiz the Dogboy, the aptly named Worm, the Bearded Lady (who “looked a lot like Mr. T,” who it just so happens played the character in the film) and others. Ricky is slated to be the main attraction in “Super Mega Freek World,” a theme park Skuggs predicts will “kick Disney’s dead bottom,” but Ricky has a plan to free himself, and somehow reverse his freakishness.

Also included is brief selection of color stills from the flick, which this book will assuredly never replace in anyone’s affections!