Last December, as you may recall, I discussed the altogether ridiculous Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie phenomenon. Here, I’m afraid, I’ll be returning to the subject of Hallmark movies, specifically the “Spring Fever” line-up. Just as I was in December, I find I’m being subjected to quite a few of these horrible movies, which are broadcast continuously on the Hallmark cable Channel (whose other major programming right now is, it seems, FULL HOUSE reruns, of which I’ve likewise been getting well acquainted). Before getting started with this article I’ll confess that yes, I have watched far too many of these movies, and that yes, I need help!
In most particulars the flicks of Hallmark’s Spring Fling block—rechristened Spring Fever in ‘18—aren’t much different from the Christmas ones, being G-rated romantic comedies aimed squarely at the upwardly mobile female set. Filled with clichéd rom-com conventions, these flicks tend to lather on the holiday sap in a manner befitting the greeting cards from which Hallmark initially made its name, and usually feature Danica McKellar, Lacey Chabert or Candace Cameron Bure (according to an executive at Hallmark’s parent company Crown Media, “We strike a balance between what the viewers ask us for, which is, ‘I want to see a movie with Candace Cameron Bure or Lacey Chabert starring in it’”). I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Hallmark’s star trio had renegotiated their salaries, as SHARKNADO’S Ian Ziering and Tara Reid reportedly did—and if they haven’t done so they definitely should.
Only one of those Hallmark stars, however, can actually be seen in a Spring Fever flick: Lacey C., who headlined last year’s MOONLIGHT IN VERMONT, in which she plays a real estate broker who takes on a pretend BF (Carlo Marks) to make her ex jealous (non-spoiler alert: Lacey and Carlo fall in love and live happily ever after). This is due to the fact that the Spring Fling craze only got started in 2016, and so hasn’t turned out too many movies thus far. Give them time, though: Hallmark has been pushing its spring lineup quite vigorously, to the point that a Danica McKellar hosted Spring Fever Preview Show was aired back in March to get viewers in the mood for this Momentous Event.
One way in which these films resemble their more popular winter forebears is in their settings, which are usually always Vancouver-based. A typical Hallmark Channel movie will open with an establishing shot of a major U.S. metropolis seen from the air, followed by a second establishing shot, this time at ground level, followed by an interior filmed somewhere in Vancouver. This ruse rarely ever works, due to the fact that the Spring Fever movies invariably feature grey skies and rain-soaked exteriors, a dead giveaway that these American city and/or country set flicks were actually shot in the year-round rainforest that is British Columbia. See, for instance, LIKE CATS AND DOGS, about an aspiring photographer (Kathy Lee-Gifford’s daughter Cassidy) renting a house with a hunky male writer (non-spoiler alert: they fall in love and live happily ever after) in an East Coast “beach town” that is in fact White Rock, BC.
One element I couldn’t help but notice in the Spring Fever flicks is the level of female pulchritude on display, which is, frankly, startling. I wasn’t previously familiar with Nikki Deloach or Jana Kramer, but after seeing them in THE PERFECT CATCH and LOVE AT FIRST BARK I made sure to look them up. As A bonus, these films invariably feature one or more scenes in which these lovely ladies are shown posing in borderline-slutty designer outfits (unlike the Christmas films, in which the cold weather necessitates heavy clothing). This is especially noticeable in the aforementioned LIKE CATS AND DOGS, whose heroine dresses in light springtime clothing while the surrounding extras all wear heavy coats and jackets.
As to these gals’ acting skills, they’re about as you might expect—although the level of character development in these movies doesn’t give the performers much to work with. Certainly people can (and do) complain about the fact that the fiftyish Nicollette Sheridan is at least ten years too old for her role in ALL YOURS, in which she plays a workaholic attorney who hires a hunky male nanny (Dan Payne) to look after her kids (non-spoiler alert: Nicollette falls in love with said nanny and, as a bonus, helps two feuding clients to put aside their differences and be friends), but given the sheer unreality of everything that occurs in the film (which, unbelievably enough, contains three credited screenwriters) the required suspension of disbelief wasn’t at all difficult.
One more observation: in an age when diversity has become the major buzzword in entertainment, these are unquestionably some of the whitest movies you’ll see anywhere. Occasionally—very occasionally—you’ll see a non-white face among the supporting casts of the Spring Fever flicks, but those faces are few and far between (with the Portuguese-descended Danica McKellar being about as ethnic as the protagonists of these films get). The PC police haven’t come after Hallmark about their lack of diversity, but I’m certain that, given the massive audiences these movies are receiving, it will only be a matter of time until that crackdown happens—and for once, I believe it will be fully deserved!